According to several studies, there is a very close link between humor and intelligence. In fact, understanding a joke seems to require an important effort to the brain and requires a certain mental elasticity. It is no coincidence that many famous quotes in history have produced numerous funny phrases that highlight their intelligence and creative flair.

It is always a good time to give a smile to friends and people you love, and for this it is useful to always have a handful of funny phrases and irreverent jokes at hand, beautiful phrases to share and to send a little in all occasions, and which at certain times also act as motivational quote. Continue to read and choose the best funny quote to share on social media or with your friends.

Funny quotes

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What’s better than starting the day with a happy or funny thought? If it is your habit to share funny quotes with friends or partner, here are some ideas to start the day on the right foot. Read down below and choose the best funny quote to share with friends, family or partner.

😂Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey

😂When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. Erma Bombeck

😂Candy is natures way of making up for Mondays. Rebecca Gober

😂The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.”—Mark Twain“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde

😂Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. Jeff Valdez

😂The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you. Rita Mae Brown

😂Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most. Addison H. Hallock

😂Every dogma has its day. Anthony Burgess

😂When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield

😂A day without laughter is a day wasted. Charlie Chaplin

😂So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends– but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership. Julio Alexi Genao

😂All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work. Steve Martin

😂In order to maintain a well­-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him. Peterborough Examiner, Canada

😂Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns 

😂You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse. Billy Arthur

😂Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. Charles Shulz

😂Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Dale Carnegie

😂I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. Phyllis Diller

😂Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment. Robert Benchley

😂Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. Mark Twain

😂When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life. Richard Lewis

😂By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it. George Burns

😂I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. Jerome K. Jerome

😂Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. Will Ferrell

😂Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. Rod Stewart

😂If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once. Aldo Cammarota

😂Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any. Samuel L. Jackson

😂If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. Phil Pastoret 

😂If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one. Andrew A. Rooney

😂Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Mark Twain

😂There are two classes of travel—first class and with children. Robert Benchley

😂It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld

😂Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper. Quentin Crisp

😂People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. Winnie The Pooh

😂The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. Abraham Lincoln

😂Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life. Kate Davis

😂Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished. Leslie Nielsen

😂The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. G.K. Chesterton

😂Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Don Marquis

😂A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. Robert Benchley

😂If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin

😂A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. Dave Barry

😂Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors. Tom Snyder

😂Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home. Dennis Miller

😂In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. Fran Lebowitz

😂Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. Anonymous

😂Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.”—Jay Trachman“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller

😂When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day. Ella Woodward

😂Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason. Garry Moll

Funny inspirational quotes

Writers, politicians and comedians offer an inexhaustible field of funny aphorisms in which it is delicious to immerse oneself. A selection of brilliant puns, from our cultural heritage or from the pen of the greatest authors! Words drawn over a repartee, a speech or a work, they constitute as many humorous pearls that the amateur of good words likes to collect. An anthology of celebrity gems, quirky and ambiguous little phrases, unstoppable briefs and other humorous, cult thoughts. Share these funny inspirational quotes with friends and make them laugh and inspire at the same time.

😄All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. Mark Twain

😄A day without laughter is a day wasted. Charlie Chaplin

😄If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else. Yogi Berra

😄Procrastinate now, don’t put it off. Ellen DeGeneres

😄You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it. Robin Williams

😄You never fail until you stop trying. Albert Einstein

😄Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe. Mark Twain

😄It’s okay to look at the past and the future. Just don’t stare. Benjamin Dover

😄I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. Unknown

😄No one has ever become poor by giving. Anne Frank

😄Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. Oscar Wilde

😄If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you. Billy Wilder

😄Don’t underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering. Winnie the Pooh

😄Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it. Dwight D. Eisenhower

😄Bad decisions make good stories. Ellis Vidler

😄Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard

😄Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one. Terry Pratchett

😄When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White

😄Bad decisions make good stories. Ellis Vidler

😄Well-behaved women seldom make history. Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

😄People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. A. A. Milne

😄Don’t wait, the time will never be just right. Napoleon Hill

😄The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. Will Rogers

😄If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign? Albert Einstein

😄I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms. Michael Scott

😄Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, ‘I’m not going to make it’, but you laugh inside remembering all the times you’ve felt that way. Charles Bukowski

😄Always laugh when you can, it is cheap medicine. Lord Byron

😄A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin

😄The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. Abraham Lincoln

😄Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. Mark Twain

😄Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget tossing in the lifeboats. Voltaire

😄I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. Oscar Wilde

😄The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. Terry Pratchett

😄Every tattoo is temporary, because we’re all slowly dying. Unknown

😄When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. Unknown

😄I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken. H. Kyle Seale

😄I am only human, although I regret it.  Mark Twain

😄We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

😄The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. Andy Rooney

😄There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do. Amy Poehler

😄Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished— If you’re alive it isn’t. Richard Bach

😄You can if you think you can. George Reeves

😄The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. Mark Twain

😄Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese. Billie Burke

😄When in doubt, throw doubt out and have a little faith…. E.A. Bucchianeri

😄Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny. Stephen Hawking

😄When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite

😄If the world didn’t suck we’d all fly into space. Unknown

😄When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best — that is inspiration. Robert Bresson

😄Be not afraid of going slowly, be afraid only of standing still. Chinese Proverb

😄Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. Robert Bloch

😄I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright

😄The road to success is always under construction. Lily Tomlin

😄Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion. Tina Fey

😄Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. Franklin P. Jones

😄Do or do not. There is no try. Yoda

😄Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. Thomas Edison

😄I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. Oscar Wilde

😄You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself. Sam Levenson

😄I cannot afford to waste my time making money. Louis Agassiz

😄Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. Kyle Chandler

😄See the world like a big wardrobe. Everybody has his own costume. There is only one that fits you perfectly. George Harris

😄Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. Charles Schulz

😄If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door. Milton Berle

😄Happiness is just sadness that hasn’t happened yet. Unknown

😄Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Dale CarnegieI 

😄Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. Tom Lehrer

😄To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. Ashleigh Brilliant

😄Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. Mark Twain

😄The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. Will Rogers

😄Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright

😄The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot. Michael Altshuler

😄Don’t let schooling interfere with your education. Mark Twain

😄Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia. Charles Schulz

😄Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat. Harry Emerson Fosdick

😄Aspire to inspire before we expire. Eugene Bell Jr

😄Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. Isaac Asimov

😄If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck. Elvis Presley

😄Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway. Robert Downey Jr

😄You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years. Chris Rock

😄A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory. Mark Twain

😄When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what? Sydney Harris

😄If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. Dalai Lama

😄You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? Steven Wright

😄A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. Don Marquis

😄Change is not a four letter word… but often your reaction to it is! Jeffrey Gitomer

😄If you come to a fork in the road, take it. Yogi Berra

😄The best things in life are actually really expensive. Unknown

😄Be happy, it drives people crazy. Paulo Coelho

Funny quotes about life

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😃I don’t necessarily agree with everything that I say. Marshall McLuhan

😃Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get. Forrest Gump

😃Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. Robert Benchley

😃At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet. Plato

😃Life in a box is better than no life at all, I expect. You’d have a chance at least. You could lie there thinking: Well, at least I’m not dead. Tom Stoppard

😃If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. Woody Allen

😃If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti

😃Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up. Marian Keyes

😃Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome. Isaac Asimov

😃A learning experience is one of those things that says, ‘You know that thing you just did? Don’t do that. Douglas Adams

😃Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn

😃And remember, no matter where you go, there you are. Confucius

😃I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth. Karl Lagerfeld

😃Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. Kurt Vonnegut Jr

😃To get back my youth, I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable. Oscar Wilde

😃Love is something sent from heaven to worry the hell out of you. Dolly Parton

😃Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. Chili Davis

😃I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me. Dave Barry

😃If at first you don’t succeed, quit. When life gives you lemons, quit. When the going gets tough, the tough just quit. Jim Rome

😃The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache. Marjorie Pay Hinckley

😃Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving. Albert Einstein

😃A real girl isn’t perfect and a perfect girl isn’t real. Harry Styles

😃Love is like pi– natural, irrational, and very important. Lisa Hoffman.

😃All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone. Blaise Pascal

😃Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. Will Rogers

😃We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

😃This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid. George V. Higgins

😃When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite

😃Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow! What a Ride!’ Hunter S. Thompson

😃Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. William Goldman

😃If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he’d be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armor and shouting ‘All gods are bastards! Terry Pratchett

😃If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. Johnny Carson

😃Life is too short to be reading quotes about life being too short. Stop reading and go live your life! Kevin Ngo

😃Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. David Letterman

😃Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results. Albert Einstein

😃If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. Steven Wright

😃Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard

😃When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back. Bill Watterson

😃We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works. Douglas Adams

😃The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them. Bill Maher

😃The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Al McGuireIt 

😃Be happy. It really annoys negative people. Ricky Gervais

😃Sometimes you know you’ve got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn’t so messed up, it wouldn’t be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you would be a good sign, but in the real world, it isn’t. Nick Hornby

😃There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. Albert Einstein

😃All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust. J.M. Barrie

😃Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. Vladimir Nabokov

😃You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. Dr. Seuss

😃It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt. Mark Twain

😃If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin 

😃I’m sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It’s just been too intelligent to come here. Arthur C. Clarke

😃One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. Rita Mae Brown

😃The planet is fine. The people are f*#ked. George Carlin

😃Happiness is a warm puppy. Charles M. Schulz

😃Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system. Ellen DeGeneres

😃To answer your question, you want me because I’m made of awesome. Gena Showalter

Funny motivational quotes

We’ve all known that “moment of loneliness” when faced with a flimsy line (and yet one that made us laugh!) or an embarrassing joke during a family dinner. So to avoid delicate situations or dumbfounded looks, we draw inspiration from these words of authors. Funny quotes, full of self-mockery, absurdity and lucidity. Use these funny motivational quotes to share with your family or friends.

🤩I walk around like everything is fine. But deep down, inside my show, my sock is sliding off.

🤩Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.

🤩It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you. Dwight D. Eisenhower

🤩As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement. Tom Goins

🤩If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? George Carlin

🤩The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time. Joe Girard

🤩The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse. Dennis Miller

🤩I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. Benjamin Franklin

🤩I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. Jerome K. Jerome

🤩It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. Muhammad Ali

🤩I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright

🤩It amazes me how much exercise and extra fires sound alike.

🤩I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

🤩I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.”​ Anonymous

🤩Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood. Bill Murray

🤩My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work. Author Unknown

🤩The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.​ Stanley J. Randall

🤩You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic. Zig Ziglar

🤩Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.​ Homer Simpson

🤩There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.​ David Letterman

🤩If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. Steven Wright

🤩It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work. William Faulkner

🤩I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one. Clarence Darrow

🤩Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. Albert Einstein

🤩Be happy — it drives people crazy. Unknown

🤩People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do. Elbert Hubbard

🤩Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor. Truman Capote

🤩Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon. Anonymous 

🤩The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen. Sarah Brown

🤩The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.

🤩Try to be like the turtle– at ease in your own shell. Bill Copeland

🤩Think like a proton. Always positive. Unknown

🤩Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin

🤩If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. Albert Einstein

🤩The reward for good work is more work. Francesca Elisia

🤩Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you’re alive it isn’t. Richard Bach

🤩The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. Robert Frost

🤩Work until your bank account looks like a phone number. Unknown

🤩In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

🤩The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde

🤩The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished. Groucho Marx

🤩Sometimes I spend the whole meeting wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door. Anonymous

🤩Delegate your work. Stop spending dollar time on penny jobs. Mary Kay Ash

🤩Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.​ Unknown

🤩A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory. Mark Twain

🤩When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite

🤩I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. Oscar Wilde

🤩I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. Unknown

🤩I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess. Cassandra Duffy

🤩Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. Tom Lehrer

🤩”People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it. Joey Adams

🤩People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable.

🤩People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. Winnie the Pooh

🤩Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid. John Wayne

🤩If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. Dalai Lama

🤩Life always offers you a second chance, it’s called tomorrow.

🤩Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me…I’ll laugh at you.

🤩Well-behaved women seldom make history. Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

🤩Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia. Charles Schulz

🤩There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?​ Kin Hubbard

🤩Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work. Robert Orben

🤩A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin

🤩People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily. Zig Ziglar

🤩Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. Charlie McCarthy

🤩Bad decisions make good stories. Ellis Vidler

🤩You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. Jack London

🤩You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it. Robin Williams

🤩Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work. Earl Nightingale

🤩If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock. Claude McDonald

🤩Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. Kyle Chandler

🤩Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? Edgar Bergen

🤩An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field. Niels Bohr

Funny Christmas quotes

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🎄Santa Clause exists, and he has to work during the holidays. How pathetic!

🎄The best Christmas gifts are those given from the heart. On the other hand, cash and gift cards are effective too! Merry Christmas!

🎄Hey you two over there, It’s the old, bearded guy and his silly reindeer! We’re here to bring you holiday cheer and wishes for a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

🎄I have Kept some photos in my home So come here instead of Church you can drink and pray, And no more boring speech from the priest Merry Christmas and Happy New year!

🎄Everyone knows the most important part of the Christmas celebration is spending time with family you don’t get to see very often. Then you have an excuse to neglect them for the rest of the year.So flippin’ excited to spend this Christmas with you. Can’t wait to make some funny moments with you.

🎄I have no money to spend for you on this Christmas but know that I always have time to spend with you this Christmas! I love you!

🎄I would say all I want for Christmas is YOU, But I really would love a new credit card as well!

🎄A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum, a kiss is not a kiss unless it’s with tongues. So open your mouth and close your eyes and give your tongue some exercise! Merry Christmas!

🎄Christmas is all about spending time with good people. So makes sure you spend the entire day with me tomorrow. Merry Christmas, sweetheart!

🎄Some people have a great year in life and some years have bad people in them. Feeling sorry yet? Just kidding. May your Christmas be full of fun!This Christmas is all about feeling special. I hope you spend this Christmas drinking to the point that you completely forget you’re a loser!

🎄Christmas is a time for remembering family and trying to guess everyone’s sizes! Have a Wonderful Christmas!

🎄There are four stages in life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.

🎄May you survive the priest’s boring speech in the church and join me at the party as soon as possible. Merry Christmas!

🎄I Wish Santa fill your socks with candy and your wallet with money. Have a nice and warm holiday season my love! Merry Christmas to you!If I forget to bring presents for you, keep your doors open. Santa will definitely come with a box of chocolates. Merry Christmas!

🎄Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.

🎄May your Christmas be as fat, happy, and plentiful as Santa’s! Merry Christmas!

🎄Santa has already given me what I wished for so long. Now I want him to fill your socks too! Merry Christmas!Sending your way a bundle of warm wishes and good luck on this holiday. Take my love and don’t forget to bring presents for me tonight. Merry Christmas!

🎄Someone woke up early in the morning to check his socks. Good for the socks, good for my morning too!

🎄Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. Victor Borge

🎄Enjoy this Christmas till you find your name in Santa’s naughty list. May you have a great holiday!

🎄I hope your celebration will be big and your bill will be small this Christmas. Have a joyful Christmas!Christmas is not only for praying and praising. But for drinking and messing around also. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

🎄White Christmas’ is the ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ of Christmas songs.

🎄The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.

🎄I mistakenly wrapped your Christmas present in a paper that says “Happy Birthday”. So I added the wording “to Jesus” on it. Merry Christmas!Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.

🎄Everything grows old, except for You and Santa. Merry Christmas, my love. Sending warm wishes on your way this Christmas!

🎄Santa left batteries under the tree with a note that said “Due to cutbacks, toys not included.

🎄The reason why everyone makes wishes every Christmas is that no one’s wish ever comes true! Making Christmas wishes is just a custom! Merry Christmas!

🎄Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

🎄Is Santa so busy that he cannot find time to groom himself? I think he needs to shave his beard.

🎄One important rule of Christmas; You can eat all the sweet candies as long as you don’t forget to brush your teeth. Merry Christmas!

🎄Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer. Catherine Tate

🎄I hope Santa doesn’t find all the faults you have been keeping under the blanket. Merry Christmas, dear.

🎄You’re too young to go to clubs with friends. Pray for gifts from Santa or let’s go on a date this Christmas. Merry Christmas Cutypie!

🎄Santa asked me what my heart wants this Christmas! I told him your name, and he said you’re already in my heart! Merry Christmas!

🎄More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.

🎄Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. Andy Borowitz

🎄Enjoy your holiday and feel the magic of Christmas this year. Witness how money disappears and how I lose my sanity. Merry Christmas!

🎄A Christmas Reminder: Don’t try to borrow any money from elves; They’re always a little short! Have a Merry Christmas!Dear Santa, If you promise to be nice and give me everything on my list, I promise to give you the antidote to those poison cookies you just ate. Thank you.

🎄Christmas is mostly for children. But we adults can enjoy it too until the credit card bills arrive!

🎄I’ve finally found the true meaning of Xmas, it’s for those people who can’t spell Christmas!

🎄Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.

🎄Santa was looking at a painting of a naked woman with leaves covering her body for a long time. Santa asked what are you doing and she answered: Waiting for autumn.

🎄May you do not find your name in Santa’s naughty list this year! Have a blessed and wonderful Holiday season with your family and friends.

🎄Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.

🎄Christmas is the festival of love and spirit. So let us drink the spirit to feel love; Merry Christmas too!Santa told me you’d been very good this year; I told him it was just a lack of opportunity. Merry Christmas!

🎄Dearest God, this Christmas I planned on going green. So please get the point and send me lots of cash this Christmas. Thank you!

🎄Just wanted you to know that you have literally no chance of ending up on the good list of Santa this year. Merry Christmas to you!

🎄Remember to smile and enjoy your time. Because when Christmas is over, nobody will care whether you exist or not!

🎄I think Santa should hire giants instead of elves so that he can have a faster production of gifts. Have a fun Christmas!

🎄Wishing for a fat bearded guy to visit me at night is not cool. I’d rather wish it was you in a red gown. Merry Christmas!

🎄Lob a snowball at me, and I’ll declare war. Let’s make this one the best Christmas for us together! Merry Christmas to you!

Funny birthday quotes

Don’t settle for a simple “Happy Birthday”! There are indeed many witty, quirky, humorous or comforting quotes to send to loved ones on their birthdays. Choose the most suitable quote from our collection of birthday and age privilege quotes. It will give a whole new dimension to your birthday card. Continue to read down below and choose the best funny birthday quotes for your friend birthday.

🎁As you grow silver hair and gain wrinkles, know that you’re gaining wisdom!

🎁When I have a birthday, I take the day off. But when my wife has a birthday, she takes a year or two off.

🎁You’re not 40, you’re 18… with 22 years of experience!

🎁Old enough to know better, young enough to still do it.

🎁Looking 50 is great – if you’re 60. Joan Rivers

🎁Just remember once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed. Charles Schultz

🎁All the world is a birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much. George Harrison

🎁You’re not old. You’re aged to perfection.

🎁Another day older is another day to chug more cake.

🎁I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

🎁Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. Chili Davis

🎁What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. Jerome K. Jerome

🎁Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen. Jim Gaffigan

🎁Age is not important unless you’re a cheese. Helen Hayes

🎁The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. Andy Rooney

🎁You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.

🎁You know what they say about more candles … a bigger wish!”You would have loved the gift I didn’t bother getting you.

🎁Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey

🎁Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese. Billie Burke

🎁For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday. John Glenn

🎁Inside every older person is a younger person – wondering what the hell happened. Cora Harvey Armstrong

🎁That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing. Bob Hope

🎁Remember that growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional!

🎁Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

🎁Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece? Bobby Kelton

🎁To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am. Bernard Baruch

🎁Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life. Kitty Collins

🎁A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. Erma Bombeck

🎁I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don’t have to respect anybody. George Burns

🎁Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.

🎁Happiness is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth. And that’s what you feel today. Happy Birthday.

🎁Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

🎁Birthdays are like boogers. The more you have, the harder it is to breathe!

🎁You may not be over the hill yet, but you have a great view!

🎁I’m just here for the cake.These funny birthday quotes will put a smile on your face.

🎁Youth is a gift of nature but age is a work of art. Stanislaw Lec

🎁The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll grow out of it. Doris Day

🎁My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk. Jarod Kintz

🎁Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire. Rodney Dangerfield

🎁No wonder I’m unhappy. My twin forgot my birthday. Jerry Dennis

🎁After 30, a body has a mind of its own. Bette Midler

🎁You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. Bob Hope

🎁If you live to the age of a hundred, you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred. George Burns

🎁Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

🎁Life would be infinitely better if we could be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18. Mark Twain

🎁Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays live the longest.

🎁Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. Anthony Burgess

🎁When I was born, I was so surprised that I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

🎁First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly. Branch Rickey

🎁It’s better to be on the hill than under it.

🎁The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.

🎁I didn’t forget your birthday, I just forgot today’s date!

🎁I binge when I’m happy. When everything is going really well, every day is like I’m at a birthday party. Kirstie Alley

🎁You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

🎁With age comes wisdom. You’re one of the wisest people I know.

🎁You’re getting old when the only thing you want for your birthday is not to be reminded of it. Felix Severn

🎁The Best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. H. V. Prochnow

🎁There is still no cure for the common birthday. John Glenn

🎁If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas!

Funny work quotes

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🔅I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Charles Lamb

🔅Wake up and get ready just like you’re going to work. If you stay in your slippers all day you will not be as productive. Elijah Schneider

🔅I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. Bill Gates

🔅Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there. Josh Billings

🔅The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination. Ronald Reagan

🔅There are two tests in life, more important than any other test. On Monday morning, when you wake up, do you feel in the pit of your stomach you can’t wait to go to work? And when you’re ready to go home Friday afternoon, do you say, ‘I can’t wait to go home?’ Chuck Schumer

🔅Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work. Earl Nightingale

🔅I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. Jerome K. Jerome

🔅Tuesday just called and wants to know what happened to Friday! Neil Leckman

🔅Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden. Orson Scott Card

🔅All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. Mark Twain

🔅I don’t like Mondays, especially if they occur on Fridays. Jarod Kintz

🔅People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do. Elbert Hubbard

🔅So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends – but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership. Julio Alexi Genao

🔅If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock. Claude McDonald

🔅Nobody ever wrote down a plan to be broke, fat lazy, or stupid. Those things are what happen when you didn’t have a plan. Larry Winget

🔅It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. Muhammad Ali

🔅I’m not retiring, I am graduating. . .  retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen. Junior Seau

🔅I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. Rita Rudner

🔅A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job. Zig Ziglar

🔅Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished. Leslie Nielsen

🔅Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. Michel Tournier

🔅Where people aren’t having fun, they seldom produce good work. David Ogilvy

🔅My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job. Ted Turner

🔅If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here either. James Johnson

🔅People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it. Joey Adams

🔅His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours. Arthur Baer

🔅Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason. Garry Moll

🔅You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic. Zig Ziglar

🔅If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.”​ Albert Einstein

🔅The best weeks start on Monday. Nice Peter

🔅If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter. John Gotti

🔅I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock. Henny Youngman

🔅Thursday comes and the week’s gone. George Herbert

🔅Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. Charlie McCarthy

🔅Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? Edgar Bergen

🔅It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

🔅It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work. William Faulkner

🔅The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time. Joe Girard

🔅If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work. Woody Allen

🔅Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin

🔅A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B. Fats Domino

🔅Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you. Zig Ziglar

🔅If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings. Dave Barry

🔅Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor. John Ciardi

🔅Delegate your work. Stop spending dollar time on penny jobs. Mary Kay Ash

🔅I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

🔅Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow. Don Herold

🔅As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement. Tom Goins

🔅Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers

🔅People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily. Zig Ziglar

🔅Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance. Sir Claus Moser

🔅Don’t work from bed. You want your bed to be a place of peace and calm, not work stress. Liz Grossman Kitoyi

🔅There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.​ David Letterman

🔅The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde

🔅There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?​ Kin Hubbard

🔅It’s finally Friday, I’m free again. I got my motor running for a wild weekend. George Jones

🔅Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.​ Homer Simpson

🔅When people refer to ‘Back in the Day,’ it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you. Dane Cook

Funny love quotes

When you think about it, love is actually a beautiful form of friendship between two individuals. Your lover is someone who loves you for everything you represent. Some of your wildest memories revolve around this person. But to maintain romance in your relationship with your partner, it’s essential to be playful. You can bring out your playful attitude by sending funny love quotes that are meant to make your lover smile. Continue to read and choose the best funny love quotes to send to your partner.

🥳️If you love them in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love them at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love. Miles Davis

🥳️Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. Fran Lebowitz

🥳️I want to be the reason when you look down on your phone, you’ll have this goofy smile in your face and jump up and down like a silly little girl, and then fall down a manhole.

🥳️Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing. Helen Rowland

🥳️The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Henry Youngman

🥳️Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller

🥳️Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass. English Proverb

🥳️Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner. Jerry Seinfeld

🥳️Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. George Burns

🥳️Love is the same as like except you feel sexier. Judith Viorst

🥳️I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, ‘And another thing. ..’ Felicia Michaels

🥳️Don’t feel bad if you see your ex with someone else. Remember, our parents taught us to give the things we don’t need to the less fortunate.

🥳️Staying in love for more than 5 years is almost impossible. Staying in love with the same person for you’re the rest of your life is a miracle.

🥳️He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. Ring Lardner

🥳️Romance is the icing, but love is the cake.

🥳️Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck

🥳️Don’t make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbors ain’t.

🥳️Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. Sharon Stone

🥳️The four most important words in any marriage. I’ll do the dishes.

🥳️Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. Fran Lebowitz

🥳️Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. Thomas Dewar

🥳️You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale. Hussein Nishah

🥳️I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. Chico Marx

🥳️I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner

🥳️I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it. Elizabeth Evans

🥳️All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. Charles M. Schulz

🥳️Sexy is the thing I try to get them to see me as after I win them over with my personality. Miranda on “Sex and the City

🥳️Love is telling someone that his zipper is open or her wig looks too fake.

🥳️Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery. Fulton J. Sheen

🥳️My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers

🥳️A kiss without a mustache is like an egg without salt. Spanish Proverb

🥳️What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. Cindy Garner

🥳️Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. Bill Maher

🥳️When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own. Lenore Coffee

🥳️Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache. Mae West

🥳️I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it? Jean Illsley Clarke

🥳️Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Jackie Mason

🥳️Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings. David Sedaris

🥳️You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. Henry Youngman

🥳️Love is sharing your popcorn. Charles Schultz

🥳️Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing. Natasha Leggero

🥳️There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach. Barbara Hower

🥳️As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy. Ralphie May

🥳️I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. David Young

🥳️During my days, the teenagers talk about movies, music and love. Now, all the kids talk about are sex, relationship and heartbreak.

🥳️Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. Albert Einstein

🥳️I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx

🥳️Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one. Benjamin Franklin

🥳️Love is like a headache or a backache. It does not show in the MRI or X-ray, but you just know that it’s there.

🥳️If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji— no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back. Chelsea Peretti

🥳️Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it. Phyllis Schlafly

🥳️My husband forgot my birthday and my anniversary. I didn’t feel bad. On the contrary. Give me a guilty husband any day. Some of my best outfits come from his guilt. Betty Walker

Funny valentine quotes

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🥰️Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone. Lewis Black
🥰️You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories. Melanie Clark Pullen
🥰️Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need ten years before you can call yourself a beginner. Jerry Seinfeld
🥰️There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy: her heart. Melanie Griffith
🥰️Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile. Sean Connery
🥰️Nobody loves me as much as I love me, so I guess I’ll just be my own valentine. Adam Rippon
🥰️If I eat a huge meal and I can get the girl to rub my belly, I think that’s about as romantic as I can think of. Ryan Gosling
🥰️Valentine’s Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13. Get back together on the 15th. David Letterman
🥰️Today is Valentine’s Day—or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day! Jay Leno
🥰️At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass! Joan Rivers
🥰️Without Valentine’s Day, February would be … well, January. Jim Gaffigan
🥰️Love is just a chocolate substitute. Melanie Clark Pullen
🥰️Love is a misunderstanding between two fools. Oscar Wilde
🥰️I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? Zsa Zsa Gabor
🥰️The jewelry stores say, ‘Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,’ while wives tell you they love you with, ‘OK, but just because it’s Valentine’s Day.’ George Lopez
🥰️Love is being stupid together. Paul Valery
🥰️No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy. Henry A. Kissinger
🥰️Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. Jules Renard
🥰️Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess. Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler)
🥰️If love means never having to say you’re sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice. Estelle Getty
🥰️The man who says his wife can’t take a joke forgets that she took him. Oscar Wilde
🥰️I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing. Jonathan Swift
🥰️Valentine’s Day: rubbing singles’ noses in their lack of a mate and the noses of couples in their lack of time. Emma McLaughlin
🥰️Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. Albert Einstein
🥰️What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork. Pearl Bailey
🥰️My heart’s in the right place. I know, cuz I hid it there. Carrie Fisher
🥰️My life’s accomplishments? Sanity, and you. Elizabeth Gilbert
🥰️You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. Henny Youngman
🥰️All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. Charles M. Schulz
🥰️Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. Benjamin Franklin
🥰️Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. Arthur Dewar
🥰️Oh, here’s an idea: Let’s make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine’s Day. That’s not weird at all. Jimmy Fallon
🥰️I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV. Tracy Smith
🥰️The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing. Blaise Pascal
🥰️If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Dorothy Parker
🥰️If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin
🥰️I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner
🥰️I love Valentine’s Day. When you’re a kid, everyone gets a valentine. It’s like, ‘To Tim, nice pants, love, Scott.’ It’s valentines galore! Mike Birbiglia

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