Dirty jokes are the jokes that you cannot share with anyone, such as your loved ones. But to impress anyone, you can share them. Dirty jokes are a goliardic and fun pastime much loved by adults, especially by groups of friends who decide to tell them during or at the end of a lunch or dinner, or on other meeting occasions. The dirty jokes are of various types, there are the most extreme ones and so to speak extreme and the softer ones. 

In any case, they all share the ability to arouse laughter in the listeners. Obviously it is important, if they are told verbally, to use a suitable tone and also an appropriate mimicry. These elements are essential to get the sense of the joke and make it understood in its fullness. The joke is a humorous short story that aims to trigger a hilarious reaction in the listener. The linguistic mechanism underlying the joke is normally the comic, ridiculous or simply unusual reversal of a normal, everyday situation that can be shared and understood by anyone. Continue to read and share these dirty jokes with your friends or make everyone laugh at a party.

Dirty jokes

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Working in a peaceful and relaxed environment is extremely important: relationships with colleagues are therefore to be cultivated with care. Laughing together with others makes us immediately feel closer, creates complicity and offers us pleasant moments of sharing with friends and strangers. Use these dirty jokes to make your co-workers laugh. Just read down below and choose the best dirty jokes.

🥰️My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence. 

🥰️What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? “I want you inside me. 

🥰️What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this crap. 

🥰️How is life like toilet paper? You’re either on a roll or taking s*** from someone. 

🥰️How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner. 

🥰️What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? “If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts. 

🥰️What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch. 

🥰️Why can’t you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls. 

🥰️What comes after 69? Mouthwash. 

🥰️What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose. 

🥰️Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil. 

🥰️What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? “Thanks for coming! 

🥰️What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber. 

🥰️What’s the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus. 

🥰️How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote. 

🥰️Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry. 

🥰️How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. 

🥰️Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. 

🥰️Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won’t stop to ask directions. 

🥰️What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One is a Goodyear. The other is a great year. 

🥰️If you were born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang. 

🥰️Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died! 

🥰️What are the three shortest words in the English language? “Is it in? 

🥰️What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore. 

🥰️What’s the difference between ‘Oooh!’ and ‘Aaah!’? About three inches. 

🥰️What do you do when your cat’s dead? Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead. 

🥰️What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out. 

🥰️What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her. 

🥰️I’ll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away. 

🥰️What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets. 

🥰️What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? “I want you inside me. 

🥰️An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.” “You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them. 

🥰️A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it’ll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn’t the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.” “No,” the penguin insists, “it’s just ice cream. 

🥰️What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum! 

🥰️What’s long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog’s fingers! 

🥰️Dear NASA: Your mom thought I was big enough.–Pluto. 

🥰️How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist. 

🥰️What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator! 

🥰️Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts. 

🥰️If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off? 

🥰️What’s the difference between a Greyhound terminal and a lobster with boobs? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean. 

🥰️What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We’re closed. 

🥰️What do you call an expert fisherman? A Master Baiter. 

🥰️How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it. 

🥰️A family’s driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry, dear. That was just an insect.” “Wow,” the boy replies. “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that! 

🥰️Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box. 

🥰️What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets. 

🥰️What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. 

🥰️What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam! 

🥰️What’s the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird. 

🥰️What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off! 

🥰️What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball! 

🥰️A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office. The doctor walks in and says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” “I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says. “Why?” “Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you. 

🥰️What does Pinocchio’s lover say to him? “Lie to me! Lie to me! 

🥰️I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time,” a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, “Your penis is bigger than your brother’s. 

🥰️How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls. 

🥰️Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled. “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella. 

🥰️A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!” The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes! 

🥰️They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds? 

🥰️What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls? A white Christmas! 

🥰️What did the leper say to the sex worker? Keep the tip. 

🥰️What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name? Papa Boner. 

🥰️What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste! 

🥰️What’s long and hard and full of semen? A submarine! 

🥰️Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells! 

🥰️What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year. 

🥰️A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, “Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?” The boyfriend says, “Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again. 

🥰️I’d rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth,” the woman told her dentist. He replied, “Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair. 

🥰️Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning. 

🥰️What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off! 

🥰️What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor! 

🥰️Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes! 

🥰️A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ. 

Dirty dad jokes

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💋You’re cute’ has U in it, but ‘quickie’ has U and I together. 

💋I’m not a weatherman, but you can expect a few more inches tonight. 

💋What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without kids. 

💋What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes. 

💋Do you like sales? Because clothing is 100% off at my place. 

💋They say that kissing is a language of love, so would you mind starting a conversation with me? 

💋Did you hear about the man who ejaculated without a penis? He came out of nowhere. 

💋Do I have to sign for your package? 

💋How is a thunderstorm similar to sex? You never know how many inches you will get or how long it will last. 

💋Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club. Thank you all for coming. 

💋What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? It’s not what it looks like! 

💋I asked my dad for filthy dad jokes but he was too old to keep them coming. 

💋I’m not sure how I feel about masturbation, but on the one hand, it feels pretty great! 

💋They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds? 

💋What do you call the sweat on your father’s balls after he’s had sex with your cousin?  Relative humidity. 

💋What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? A tearjerker. 

💋What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? Thanks for coming! 

💋Why is masturbation just like procrastination? It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself. 

💋I lost my keys… can I check your pants? 

💋Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal. 

💋Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells! 

💋I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.” (Joan Rivers). 

💋Lick me ’till ice cream. 

💋Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning. 

💋I’ll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away. 

💋Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box. 

💋Your body is 70 percent water… and I’m thirsty. 

💋I got mad at him for pulling out. I told him it was a dick move. 

💋How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand. 

💋What do a Rubik’s Cube and a penis have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets. 

💋What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I’m going in. 

💋Chicken eggs have perfected the art of getting laid without the need of a cock. 

💋Is your name winter? Because you’ll be coming soon. 

💋Do you do carpeting? Because I’m looking for a deep shag. 

💋Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there. 

💋Are you a campfire? Because you’re hot and I want s’more. 

💋I’m on top of things. Would you like to be one of them? 

💋I love my bed, but I’d rather be in yours. 

💋What did Cinderella do when she got the ball? She gagged. 

💋What’s a lesbian’s favorite Pokemon? Squirtle. 

💋Are you an elevator? Because I’ll go up and down on you. 

💋What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold onto your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob. 

💋I wish you were my big toe. Then I would bang you on every piece of furniture at my house. 

💋How is life like a penis? It sometimes gets hard when you least expect it. 

💋When should condoms be used? Every conceivable occasion. 

💋Presumably, the yeti’s father has snowballs. 

💋How is sex like a game of bridge? With a great hand, you don’t even need a partner. 

💋You’re so hot, my zipper is falling for you. 

💋Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you. 

💋What did the clitoris say to the vulva? It’s all good in the hood! 

💋Why do mice have such small balls? Because so few of them know how to dance. 

💋Let only latex stand between our love. 

💋What do you get if you cross an owl and a rooster? A cock that stays up all night. 

💋Roses are red. Violets are fine. You be the six. I’ll be the nine. 

💋Let’s play carpenter! First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you. 

💋Why do vegans give better head? They’re used to eating nuts. 

💋What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum! 

Funny dirty jokes

In truth, some of the best jokes are dirty jokes. But can you tell dirty jokes to children? This depends a little on your definition of a dirty joke. It goes without saying that the best dirty jokes for kids aren’t related to things that are actually filthy. But we can orbit the idea of ​​vulgarity if we think creatively and don’t neglect bathroom humor. Read down below funny dirty jokes and send it to your friends to make them laugh or share it on social media.

😍What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.

😍Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn.

😍What’s a dog’s favorite homework assignment? A lab report.

😍Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.

😍Some men say they don’t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that’s the point, isn’t it?

😍Small son sitting on Daddy’s lap: “I’m still confused. Was I born in a nest or a hive?

😍Why did the ketchup blush? He saw the salad dressing.

😍What happens to an illegally parked frog? It gets toad away.

😍One of the oddities of Wall Street is that the dealer, not the customer, is the broker.

😍Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first.

😍What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

😍My IQ test results came back. They were negative.

😍What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lick-a-lotta-puss.

😍What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted.

😍What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!

😍What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

😍What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.

😍She leaves me with the feeling that when we bury the hatchet she’ll mark the exact spot.

😍There’s a lot to be said in his favor, but it’s not nearly as interesting.

😍What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.

😍Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake.

😍What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

😍Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.

😍What do you call a mobster who’s buried in cement? A hardened criminal.

😍How is life like toilet paper? You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

😍What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?

😍When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

😍Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents.

😍You can’t believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.

😍What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

😍Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.

😍Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.

😍Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them.

😍A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

😍I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

😍What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? “Does this taste funny to you?

😍A rich man is 0ne who isn’t afraid to ask the clerk to show him something cheaper.

😍If you take $2 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money?

😍Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

😍I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

😍What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds? There are twenty of them.

😍What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

😍I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.

😍What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

😍I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

😍I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house … but the kids still get in.

😍I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late.

😍It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

😍Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.

😍Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach…

😍They’ve been treating me like one of the family, and I’ve put up with it for as long as I can.

😍Why did the parents not like their son’s biology teacher? He had skeletons in his closet.

😍Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet.

😍Why does the mermaid wear seashells? She outgrew her b-shells!

😍I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels.

😍What does one boob say to the other boob? If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.

😍What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

😍Of course I wouldn’t say anything about her unless I could say something good. And, oh boy, is this good…

😍Our child has a great deal of willpower—and even more won’t power.

😍Their first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Now they’re hoping for triplets so they can have a whole set.

😍When he talks, it isn’t a conversation. It’s a filibuster.

😍What did the elephant ask the naked man? “How do you breathe out of that thing?

😍How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.

😍My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. She said she didn’t feel a thing!

😍Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.

😍What do you need in order to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.

😍I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.

Knock knock jokes dirty

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🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Anita! Anita who? Anita you right now! 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ivan. Ivan who? Ivan to do something naughty with you! 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ivana. Ivana who? Ivana kiss your lips off. 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Urine. Urine who? Urine secure, don’t know what for. 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Al! Al who? Al give you a kiss if you open this door! 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Parton! Parton who? Parton my French! 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ben Hur. Ben Hur who? Ben hur up! 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Aldo! Aldo who? Fine, fine, Aldo you! 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Khan! Khan who? Uh, oh, Khan-dom broke! 

🌞Knock, knock. Come in. God damn it. 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Pileup! Pileup who (pile of poo)? Ewwwwwww. 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not your wife. 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Idaho! Idaho who? I da hoe? No! You da hoe! 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Tanaka! Tanaka who? Tanaka you up! 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Budweiser! Budweiser who? Budweiser dirty knock knock jokes so filthy? 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Amanda. Amanda who? Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over! 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Anita Colo. Anita Colo who? Anita Colonoscopy. 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Pasta. Pasta, who? Pasta beer, asshole! 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ivanna Seymour. Ivanna Seymour who? Ivanna Seymour Butts. 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Nicholas! Nicholas who? Knickerless girls shouldn’t climb trees. 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Dewey! Dewey who? Dewey have a condom handy? 

🌞Knock, knock. Who’s there? Anita! Anita who? Anita take a shit! 

Dirty jokes for her

Let’s be real: life can be tough. Sometimes you need some humor to get through the day. Laughter is the best medicine, after all! But some of us have a slightly more twisted sense of humor than others. Is there anything funnier than some NSFW jokes that make you laugh when you shouldn’t? We don’t believe it, which is why we’ve compiled a list of funny dirty jokes that will make you struggle to keep a straight face. Read down below and choose the best dirty jokes for her and send your girlfriend to make her laugh.

🔔I know this is going to sound cheesy, but I think you’re the gratest. 

🔔When a penguin finds a mate, they stay with them for the rest of their life. Will you be my penguin? 

🔔Charizards are red, Squirtles are blue, if you were a Pokemon, I would choose you! 

🔔What did one boat say to the other boat? Are you interested in a little row-mance? 

🔔Let’s commit the perfect crime together. I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine. 

🔔Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend/girlfriend material. 

🔔Call me Shrek because I’m head ogre heels for you! 

🔔A husband and wife are drinking wine at home. The wife says, “I love you.” The husband asks if that is her or the wine talking. She replies, “It’s me talking to the wine. 

🔔Why did the car run into your house? It wanted to crash at your place tonight. 

🔔What did the doctor say to the patient with the broken heart? Take my number and call me in the morning. 

🔔What happened to the two vampires who went on their first date? It was love at first bite! 

🔔Knock, knock. Who’s there? Will. Will, who? Will you marry me? 

🔔Even though there aren’t any stars out tonight, you’re still shining like one. 

🔔Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again? 

🔔Knock, knock. Who’s there? Pauline. Pauline, who? I think I’m Pauline in love with you. 

🔔If you were a potato, you’d be a sweet one. 

🔔When does a vampire know they’re in love? It’s always love at first bite. 

🔔What’s the difference between love and your email address? 

🔔Love is not having to hold in your gas anymore. 

🔔Are you a florist? Cause ever since I met you, my life has been rosy. 

🔔Are you a cat? Cause you are purrrfect. 

🔔You can fall from the sky and you can fall from a tree, but the best way for you to fall is to fall in love with me. 

🔔If stars would fall every time I would think of you, the sky would soon be empty. 

🔔Why do painters always fall for their models? Because they love them with all of their art. 

🔔Knock, knock. Who’s there? Juno. Juno, who. Juno that you’re the love of my life? 

🔔Knock, knock. Who’s there? Honeydew. Honeydew, who? Honeydew you know how much I love you? 

🔔Roses are red. Violets are blue. If you were a Pokemon, then I’d choose you. 

🔔If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I’d have a galaxy in my hand. 

🔔Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes. 

🔔Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive, who? Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it. 

🔔Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile. 

🔔They say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth. Well apparently, no one has ever been standing next to you. 

🔔We must both be subatomic particles because I feel this strong force between the two of us. 

🔔You are like my dentures. I can’t smile without you. 

🔔Are you a banana? Because I find you a peeling. 

🔔If I were a cat, I’d spend all 9 lives with you. 

🔔If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart. 

🔔You’re so sweet, you put Hershey’s outta business. 

🔔We’re not socks. But I think we’d make a great pair. 

🔔I want to spend the rest of my life trying to get out of debt with you. 

🔔You must be a broom, ’cause you just swept me off my feet. 

🔔Are you from Starbucks? Because I like you a latte. 

🔔Is your name WiFi? Because I’m really feeling a connection. 

🔔Why shouldn’t you marry a tennis player? They think love is a bad thing. 

🔔Even if there wasn’t gravity on earth, I’d still fall for you. 

🔔Did it hurt? When you fell out of heaven? 

🔔You’re like a dictionary… you add meaning to my life. 

🔔Do you like Star Wars? Because Yoda only one for me! 

🔔My boyfriend and I met on the internet. My mother asked him what line he used on me and my boyfriend replied, “I just used a modem. 

🔔Do you like Mexican food? Cause I want to wrap you in my arms and make you my BAE-RITTO. 

🔔Forget about the butterflies. When I am with you, I feel the whole zoo. 

🔔Is there an airport nearby or is it my heart taking off? 

🔔What did the astronaut’s fiance say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe! 

🔔What do I have in common with Internet Explorer? I always want to crash at your place. 

🔔Knock, knock. Who’s there? Candice. Candice, who? Candice be love that I am feeling right now? 

🔔Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you. 

🔔Did you hear about the porcupine who was near-sighted? He fell in love with a pincushion. 

🔔I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake. 

🔔You’re so sweet, you’re giving me a toothache. 

🔔Are you a cat? because I’m feline a connection between us. 

🔔You look so familiar… didn’t we take a class together? I could’ve sworn we had chemistry. 

🔔Love is getting mad at someone, telling that person to go to hell, and hoping that they get there safely. 

🔔Why should you never marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them! 

🔔Is your nickname Chapstick? Because you’re da balm! 

🔔Is your name Dunkin? Because I Donut want to spend another day without you. 

🔔My feet are getting cold… because you’ve knocked my socks off. 

🔔What does the destruction derby champion say to someone he’s interested in? Can I crash at your place tonight? 

🔔Knock, knock. Who’s there? Eyesore. Eyesore, who? Eyesore do love you a lot. 

🔔I must be a snowflake because I’ve fallen for you. 

🔔Why is the tennis player such a good lover? Excellent ball-handling skills. 

🔔How did the telephone propose to its girlfriend? He gave her a ring. 

🔔I’m no photographer, but I can picture us together. 

🔔Do you want to know why I plan on no longer using Google anymore? Because after all this time that I have spent searching, I have found the love of my life and it is you. 

🔔A couple are on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing. He says, “I forgot my wallet. 

🔔If kisses were snowflakes, I’d send you a blizzard. 

🔔Love is when I walk to the other side of the classroom to sharpen my pen just so I can see her. And then I realize that I am holding a pen. 

🔔Four plus four equals eight, but you plus me equals fate. 

🔔Are you French? Because Eiffel for you. 

🔔Never laugh at your significant other’s choices because you happen to be one of them. 

🔔What’s the difference between love and lust? I don’t know, but I’d love to find out with you. 

🔔Knock, knock. Who’s there? Owl. Owl, who? Owl always love you! 

🔔Knock, knock. Who’s there? Amish. Amish, who? Aw, Amish you too! 

🔔Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef? He’ll dessert you. 

🔔On a scale of 1 to 10, you are the only 1 for me. 

🔔Do you have a bandage? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you. 

🔔There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection. 

🔔Why couldn’t the broken telephone propose to its girlfriend? It never gave her a ring. 

🔔What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor? Hey doc, I have a crutch on you. 

🔔What did one volcano say to the other volcano? I lava you. 

🔔Do you play soccer? Because you’re a keeper! 

🔔If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and me together. 

🔔Why was the lovelorn man talking to the wine? He was hoping for some liquid courage. 

🔔Knock, knock. Who’s there? Frank. Frank, who? Frank you for loving me. 

Dirty jokes for him

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💘What did the penis say to the vagina? Don’t make me come in there! 

💘What do a woman and a bar have in common? Liquor in the front, poker in the back. 

💘Are you a campfire? Because you’re hot and I want s’more. 

💘I’m not a weatherman, but you can expect a few more inches tonight. 

💘Do I have to sign for your package? 

💘My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord. 

💘Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells! 

💘Why did God give men penises? So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up. 

💘What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it we’re closed. 

💘What’s another name for a vagina? The box a penis comes in. 

💘Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you. 

💘What’s the difference between anal and oral sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak. 

💘I wish you were my big toe. Then I would bang you on every piece of furniture at my house. 

💘I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.” (Joan Rivers). 

💘What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts. 

💘Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. 

💘What’s the best part of gardening? Getting down and dirty with your hoes. 

💘Why does Santa have a big sack? He only comes once a year. 

💘Did you hear about the man who ejaculated without a penis? He came out of nowhere. 

💘What’s long and hard and full of semen? A submarine. 

💘What’s the best part about gardening? Getting down and dirty with your hoes. 

💘69% of people find something dirty in every sentence. 

💘How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls. 

💘Roses are red. Violets are fine. You be the six. I’ll be the nine. 

💘What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside me. 

💘Why do walruses love a tupperware party? They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal. 

💘Let only latex stand between our love. 

💘Why do vegans give better head? They’re used to eating nuts. 

💘Why do vegetarians give good head? They are used to eating just. 

💘What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick? The man. 

💘What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet? Gum! 

💘What’s long, hard, and full of semen? A submarine! 

💘I lost my keys… can I check your pants? 

💘Let’s play carpenter! First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you. 

💘I lost my virginity. Can I have yours? 

💘Why do vegetarians give good head? Beause they’re used to eating nuts. 

💘What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore. 

💘How is a girlfriend like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you. 

💘Masturbation always leads to sex. It’s a gateway tug. 

💘How many Bitcoin maxis does it take to screw in a lightbulb? “That’s not funny!” – Bitcoin maxis (Elon Musk). 

💘Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there. 

💘I just found an origami porn channel, but it’s paper view only. 

💘What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me! 

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